Happy 100th Newsletter From Me to You
I sent out the first one of these August 5, 2015. I remember that date because it was a month after my 30th birthday and my original plan was to send one out on the 5th of every month. Obviously, that schedule didn’t stick. This whole thing has morphed a lot over the years, as most things do. Of course, I’m an elderly millennial who first wrote on the internet in 2001 on LiveJournal.com, so blog voice never went away for me. It’s just now a newsletter smoker’s cough, aged to perfection thanks to all those years of oversharing. You’re welcome.
You may (or may not) have noticed that there wasn’t an audio component to this email or the last. I’m changing how I use the audio feature and playing around with it. Mind send out something a little strange? TBD. I’m going to take a little break in August and then I’ll be back.
Thanks for reading/skimming/opening this email/subscribing in the first place/coming along for the ride. Y’all the best. xo
Questions & Answers
I loved the bathroom lights story but how do you remember so many details
Thank you! I’ve been writing creative nonfiction for a really long time. My emotional memory is very strong and that helps. I write these to the best of my ability to while also recognizing that the truth is complicated.
The conversation with Sr. Catherine is a good example. Do I remember everything verbatim? No, but a lot of details stayed with me (the part about having a brother so I know how boys go to the bathroom is still hilarious, over 20 years later). I tried to reconstruct the conversation in a voice that sounds truthful to how I remember her talking as well as how I talked at 12 years old.
Multiple people asked if they could read a copy of that essay I wrote but I never saw it again after it went into the garbage can. The parts I quoted are from what I can remember and also what I know I was obsessed with at that age as a baby feminist. Nothing about it was made up but I also wasn’t directly referencing it the way a journalist would. Again, complicated.
Anyway, this is probably boring but if you want more CNF resources, Creative Nonfiction has a bunch under craft & process.
What started the seltzer obsession?
Well, the cultural zeitgeist around seltzer started a few years back, most notably in regards to LaCroix. Me personally, I took a hard look at how much anxiety and alcohol were effecting my life after a really bad night turned into a really bad morning. Seltzer offered something nonalcoholic to drink that wasn’t pop or juice, and lucky me that we’re living through a golden age of sparkling water. I truly enjoy cracking open a cold can (it’s very satisfying) and trying different kinds of flavors. It’s fun. Life’s too hard to not have small pleasures.
Just to be clear, I’m not sober, I still drink, though nowhere near the level I did when I was younger. From what I can tell, it seems most people in their mid-30s end up in a similar place in regards to drinking. My 22 year-old self would probably think I’m super boring and that’s okay with me. She was kind of a mess.
What shampoo are you using right now?
Here’s the thing, I just picked up something new a couple weeks and I forgot to take a sniff before leaving Target. BIG MISTAKE. I was so focused on the ~surfer girl vibe~ that I didn’t notice the banana component and it smells like banana candy (barf). In a perfect world, it would smell like that beach babe texturing spray but it definitely does not. Is it possible to donate barely used shampoo/conditioner anywhere? I can’t stand the smell of fake bananas but maybe someone else loves it.
how can I be a better friend?
Oof, what a question. This hits me right in the gut.
There’s advice from experts out there (therapists, sociologists, actual advice columnists) and then there’s this, advice from me. Take what works, leave the rest.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
The number one reason that friendships end. It could be a boundary crossed that’s never addressed or something left unsaid or any number of things. Since this is a culture that values romantic relationships over platonic ones, it’s socially acceptable to cease friendships without any explanation. Most people can’t handle the awkwardness. I’m no exception and as a recovering people pleaser, I struggle with this all the time. It’s really hard! Yet, actually addressing the tough stuff is what makes friendships stronger.
Getting comfortable with feeling uncomfortable applies double if you’re looking to make new friends. You have to go places where you might not know anyone introduce yourself to strangers. It’s the worst. I say this as an outgoing extrovert and even I get social anxiety. Then there’s the dreaded task of making plans with someone for the first time. No one wants to do the asking but everyone wants someone else to do it. You’ll be automatically way way way way cooler for initiating.
Accept that people and friendships change.
Jobs take people across the country, life circumstances flip on a dime, tastes change. To me, this is different than the friendships that end over an inability to communicate. This is about how life changes slowly and then all at once.
I grew up in a really small town where people stayed BFFs until they died (I’m not exaggerating), so it seemed normal to have friends for decades and decades. That’s not how we live now, and also, not all of those friendships were healthy anyway. A hard truth is that not everyone is going to stay in your life forever. Some people are there for a season or two, a few years, maybe longer, maybe less. Others may float in and out. Relationships that were weak may strengthen. You never know who’s going to come back into your life, but trying to hold on to relationships you’ve outgrown won’t keep them from changing.
Personally, I think that it’s important to check in with yourself and know what you need in your friendships. For me, emotional intimacy is non-negotiable. I’m at the point in my life where if my friendships can’t have deep, vulnerable conversations, then it’s not going to progress any further than friendly acquaintances. And that’s okay, I love a friendly acquaintance! I know that not everyone can give me what I need emotionally.
Forgive yourself when you screw up and grant them the same grace too.
It’s going to happen. You’re going to say something or they’ll say something or it’s about what wasn’t said on either side. Or you’ll just feel weird and awkward and you’ll stew about it for hours and hours. Instead, take a breath, and tell yourself, “I forgive you.” I promise you’ll feel better.
(Obviously, massive betrayals and malicious behaviors are a whole other beast, I’m referring to the smaller awkward misunderstandings and ways we beat each other up in our heads.)
I think about friendships and the weird webs that connect us all the time. I depend a lot on my friends and I can be a lot. I work through my problems by talking them out and my closest friends are my sounding boards. I can be moody and emotional yet when I don’t hear from people for a while, I take it personally. I worry about being too much, and maybe for some people I am. When I get into that headspace, I try to remember what I bring to the table. I care a lot and I’m deeply invested in the lives of my friends. I’m a huge supporter of their work and passions. I’m a big talker but I’m also a great listener. I remember details about people’s lives and ask about them because I genuinely want to know. And I’m like, fun. Hanging out with me is a good time.
“Thank you”
If you find yourself half naked
and barefoot in the frosty grass, hearing,
again, the earth’s great, sonorous moan that says
you are the air of the now and gone, that says
all you love will turn to dust,
and will meet you there, do not
raise your fist. Do not raise
your small voice against it. And do not
take cover. Instead, curl your toes
into the grass, watch the cloud
ascending from your lips. Walk
through the garden’s dormant splendor.
Say only, thank you.
Thank you.
— Ross Gay
Wow, 100 newsletters, finally made it syndication. Thanks for coming along for the ride. If you’d like to buy me 100 cups of coffee, you may do so here or here. Be good yourselves until I get back.
Congrats on 100!!! :)