YKWIM #50: Least Experienced, Most to Say - Back In Time
An occasional advice column for this weird, weird world
Hello, hello, good Friday to all. Remember how I sometimes answer people’s questions? This is one of those times. As always, the inquiry is in italics below.
Anyone can submit their questions here.
If you could go back in time once to give Past Andrea advice, what age would you visit her and what would it be?
Such a great question. So many ages I would love to visit if I could— 14, 21, 25, 30, but if I could only pick one, I’d go with 27. It’s not that far back but far enough that I don’t even recognize the life I was living at the time.
My birthday is about halfway through the year (it was Sunday), so I’ve always thought of time passing from July-June, like a fiscal year. For that birthday, I went to the Cleveland Museum of Art to see the “Youth and Beauty” exhibit of art from the 1920s (my favorite painting was there). I took myself out for a nice lunch and I had salmon and a glass of white wine. When I got back to Pittsburgh, my pal Tony and I ended up lawn bowling with some senior citizens in Frick Park and then ate oysters and poutine at Point Brugge. An A+ day, I have to say.
Twenty-seven is a good age to visit because by that point, July 2012, things in my life were steady. I had cut out some toxic people from my social circle. I had a cute cat named Harold. I felt more confident and comfortable in my body for the first time possibly ever. Improv was a big part of my life and I was performing on a regular basis. I was making more money than I ever had, even though I also had a lot of angst that I hadn’t yet moved on from writing obituaries. Overall, everything was okay.
So of course, six months later, everything fell apart, and it all kept going to pieces over the next couple years. I’ve written about this before, it’s old hat for many people, so to give the abridged version, lots of shitty things happened in a short amount of time, including job-hopping, a car accident, and the death of Harold. RIP, Harold baby. :(
The worst part wasn’t having to pick up the pieces and figure out how to move forward. Don’t get me wrong, it was really fucking hard and I did not enjoy it. No, what was worse was feeling so much shame over the reoccurrence of internal struggles that I thought I had laid to rest. It felt as if everything I had built up was broken and back to being unresolved. What is this, I’m feeling self-conscious yet again? Are you kidding me, I’m doubting my abilities yet again? None of those body positivity people who made sweet cash influencing me to ~love myself~ ever said anything about the backslide. My achievements felt small and I felt small along with them. It was like realizing the mountain I had spent years climbing was actually just a hill in a massive mountain range. It can be feeling daunting and disappointing to realize that it has to be dealt with yet again.
The truth is that nothing is ever fully finished. I had made strides when it came to vulnerability and self-esteem at that point, but it’s not something that could be sealed in a box and tied with a bow. Those issues will always keep tearing the lid off, wanting more from me as I go through life. The traumas that I thought I had resolved will need resolving over and over again throughout my life as I change and grow. I don’t want that to be true, but it is. It’s true for everybody. When I finally accepted this instead of resisting it, the shame slid away, as shame tends to do when confronted with empathy and an open heart. Our girl Brene Brown has a few things to say on the subject, as in several books worth.
So that’s what I would give Past Andrea, the compassion and kindness that I wasn’t capable of giving myself at that point because I was too enmeshed in a shame stew. I’m sure Past Andrea would say some kind of joke-not-joke as she does, as I do, but I’d try to laugh because laughing is what makes her feel better. Plus, Past Andrea is like, genuinely funny, you know.
I would also want to tell Past Andrea that asking for help is much easier than trying to do it all herself, but I guess she had to learn that the very, very hard way in order for me to say so on the other side, so I guess I’d keep that to myself.
Hope everyone is doing well, especially all of y’all in the middle of your Saturn Return. As long as the planets keep turning, it will eventually end.
Stay cool, everybody. And wear sunscreen! I neglected to get my back and I’m paying for it (ouch).
Love ya,
Andreaaaa