YKWIM #65: Forget About It Friday - The Man With One Red Shoe (1985)
What's this, a bad Tom Hanks movie??
Hey pals, that’s right, it’s Friday again, and I got us a little Tom Hanks today, as a treat.
I came across this one completely by accident while searching for a different movie on HBO. I thought I had it covered when it came to Tom Hanks ‘80s comedies— The ‘Burbs, Big, Turner & Hooch, Splash, Bachelor Party, even The Money Pit, I’ve seen ‘em all, but this early T. Hanks film somehow missed me. Not anymore!
This was originally based on a French film, Le Grand Blond avec une chaussure noire, or as it’s known here, The Tall Blond Man with One Black Shoe. Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, and that’s not the only thing lost in translation.
The Man With One Red Shoe (1985)
Provided description, typos and all: Mild-mannered violinist Tom Hanks finds himself strung between rival factions of the CIA in this wacky spy spoof.
Where to watch: HBO
The CIA, as portrayed in this film, are an agency of bumbling bozos that are as inconspicuous as a baby elephant in a kiddie pool. They all wear Ray-Bans indoors and take photos on hidden cameras as big as an iPhone.
The villain from The Muppet Movie, Doc Hopper, is the director of the CIA and the bad boss from 9 to 5 is his scheming number two. Bad Boss tried to set up Doc Hopper with a botched drug deal (a car with cocaine in the tires) in order to take him down. To retaliate, Doc Hopper tells his assistant to pick someone at random in an airport, make it seem as if this person is an undercover spy, and divert all of Bad Boss’s energy and attention until he’s fired. And whoooo is this sweet, kinda oblivious assistant? None other Richard “Grandpa” Gilmore from Gilmore Girls! Love him.
So here’s the thing, it takes about 15 minutes for our boy Hanx to finally show up on screen. The entire time it’s basically like, where is he?? When he finally shows up, coming down the escalator, the question becomes, why is he wearing one red shoe???
It seems the French style of screenwriting does not follow the “show, don’t tell” rule and the Americans who made this adaptation translated it word for word without changing anything. The whole time you’re like, why is he wearing one red shoe???, and instead of a scene, you get two characters talking about it. Not exactly compelling stuff.
Turns out, Tom Hanks’ best friend is Jim Belushi, a prank-pulling timpani player, and he’s married to our queen, Carrie Fisher, a flutist. Carrie and Tom are having an affair and Tom feels bad about it but not bad enough to break it off, probably because of the pranks. That’s the excuse Carrie Fisher gives, at least. These pranks are not very clever— in addition to shoe hiding, Tom Hanks breaks a tooth on a bag of prank nuts. As he’s leaving the airport, a beautiful blonde CIA agent bumps into him and snatches his wallet. The blonde is Ariel from Footloose.
He has a dental appointment to fix that tooth, so the CIA get to the dentist before him, knock out everyone in the office, and turn out all the lights, making their presence so obvious that even he is like, yooo this is a bad scene, I gotta go. Very smooth. He bikes back home— oh yeah, the real stars of this movie are the sunglasses and bicycles.
Ariel from Footloose breaks into his apartment and when he gets back, Tom Hanks is all, oh, you again. Like, he’s cool with it?? Dudes are wild. While he’s flirting with her, Tom gets hit in the butt with a bunch of darts to knock him out. The CIA are convinced that since it took three darts to take him down, he must be a SUPER SPY.
Carrie Fisher comes over, the CIA gets their pillow talk on tape, and Jim Belushi almost catches them. Instead, the two dudes head off for their symphony softball game. The actual conundrum here is Carrie Fisher’s bra. Girl deserves real support!.
The CIA tags along to the softball game in an undercover garbage truck. Their recording system goes berzerk and accidentally plays Tom and Carrie’s sexy time on speaker. Jim Belushi follows them on his bike and it’s a slapstick showdown that ends with Belushi in the Potomac. He’s suspicious that Tom Hanks is banging Carrie Fisher but can’t quite put his finger on it.
Hanks, Belushi, and Carrie Fisher are playing in a big show. Out the three of them, Tom Hanks is the best at pretending to play an instrument, which is why he has two Oscars. He makes eyes at Ariel from Footloose while Carrie Fisher gets upset at losing his affection and Jim Belushi gets mad at both of them. Do all three of them screw up the concert? Duh, of course.
Grandpa Gilmore feels bad for picking on poor Tom Hanks but Doc Holliday dgaf, which is why he’s the bad guy.
After the concert, he meets up with Ariel from Footloose at her place. It’s a straight out of a Sally Nixon illustration, all pinks and off-white tones, top of the line 1985 interior decor. Oh, and she’s wearing a backless dress complete with butt clev.
There’s a two way mirror and Bad Boss and the gang are watching on the other side for Tom Hanks to reveal his real spy self. Hijinks ensue when Ariel from Footloose gets her hair caught on his zipper instead. He plays her a song he wrote just for her (don’t question when, just go with it) and she’s just a big pile of heart-eye emojis. Bad Boss is a big perv and wants to keep watching them even after the lights are out.
Jim Belushi goes back to Tom Hanks’ apartment and catches a bunch of CIA agents who got ambushed by another group of CIA agents (???) dead on the floor. He seems pretty shaken by this but we don’t dwell on it.
There’s a chase through the streets of Washington DC as the CIA is now convinced they have to get Tom Hanks. Tom and Ariel from Footloose take the Metro and fall even deeper in love as he finally gets with the program. “You’re a spy?!?” he screams in that Hanksy way.
In the end, Bad Boss gets arrested, Doc Holiday gets demoted, Grandpa Gilmore gets promoted, and Jim Belushi gets committed to a mental health facility (????????) at a giant mansion with people walking the grounds in white robes like zombies. Carrie Fisher tells Tom Hanks that she’s sorry, but Jim Belushi really needs her now, and goes back to Jim in a tree screaming like Tarzan. Again, ????
As Tom bikes away, a black car pulls in front of him to block his path— it’s Ariel from Footloose! She’s left the CIA to live happily ever after with Tom Hanks. THE END.
Highs
It’s easy to watch while reading a book.
Here’s a fun fact for you: Lori Singer, aka Ariel from Footloose as I have referred to her, was a musical prodigy as a child. She played the cello with the Oregon Symphony at age 13 and was accepted to Juilliard at 14, making her their youngest graduate. Kinda wish they would have worked that into her character.
Ed Herrmann was a snack back in the day.
Lows
Look, they can’t all be winners.
It’s something with the French humor, I think. It just doesn’t really work here. My cousin Billie lived in France for a long time and I’d love to get her take on this.
The most criminal action of this movie is that it doesn’t take full advantage of the Tom Hanks charm. I know he was early in his career so he didn’t have the ~name~ status yet, but still, the man was charming.
Final Verdict
I was going to compare this movie to a fart, except farts have more of a personality. This is a yawn. And that’s okay. Yawns mean it’s time to go to bed, which is exactly what I did after I watched this movie. If you’re a Hanks completist (which maybe I am??), it’s forgettable and fine.
Thank you for reading about an old ass movie that the pop culture zeitgeist has forgotten! Any typos, weird spacing, or grammar mistakes are the result of my fallible fingers. Links to my social and website can be found below. You can buy me a cup of coffee to give me the energy to keep doing this baloney. Any questions or comments, feel free to send them along— andrea.laurion@gmail.com