About five years ago, a former boss gave me Pema Chödrön’s When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice In Difficult Times as a Christmas gift. It was a little unusual considering my other bosses gave me candy and scarves. My life was kind of a mess at the time and it felt a little too personal, as if I had something caught in my teeth and she handed me floss in front of everyone. A month later, when I found out I had been passed over for a promotion in that department and I wouldn’t be working there anymore, I felt even more foolish.
Before I left, I had an opportunity to talk to that boss one-on-one and I asked her, in that joke-but-not-joke tone, if I should have taken that book as a sign of what was to come. She immediately apologized and was like, no no no no no no, you and I have talked about spirituality before and I thought you would appreciate it, no no no, I’m sorry, it was not meant in that way. Of course, I laughed as she said this, my body’s reaction to easing awkwardness. And it’s true, she and I did have talk about those things, but the part of me that tries to find humor in everything knew this was a goldmine. My boss gave me When Things Fall Apart and then basically fired me, so yeah, talk about things falling apart! Sometimes I wish I would have stuck with stand up just to have a place to put these anecdotes.
I read bits and pieces of WTFA over the years but until recently, I never read it all the way through. It reminded me too much of my own personal failures. When I finally read it, it made me uncomfortable, which made me mad, which made me make jokes on social media about it, which made me accept that I really needed it.
The truth is it’s snuck into my head. Particularly the concept of tonglen, the Tibetan practice of “sending and receiving,” taking in suffering and sending out happiness. Particularly in on-the-spot form that comes from breathing in suffering and breathing out compassion. I fail at this quite often, as my family members reading this are probably thinking, but I’m trying, I guess.
I've also been thinking a lot about being willing or unwilling to sit with uncomfortable feelings. If you haven’t picked up on it now, my default for those moments is to make jokes. I’m not saying these are good jokes, mind you. It’s the lightness and levity that I specialize in. That part is easy for me. Gravity and heaviness, now that’s a bit more difficult.
Some moments in this life don’t need me to joke my way out of it. Humor can be a great coping mechanism until it becomes a hinderance. That lightness and levity is a distraction from the hard work. I’m trying to sit in the silence of discomfort and I really, really, really hate it. But you know, getting passed over for that promotion was the the right thing for me, even though I really, really, really hated it at the time. Really, really, really hating discomfort does mean you get to escape discomfort. You gotta get it through it, baby. Breathe it in, breathe it out, over and over.
Anyway, it’s a great book, five out of five stars.
Tomorrow is July
Who let that happen?
I don’t know where else to put this but I finally re-did my website and you can check it out here. Thanks to my pal Jennie for her help with the url when I let it hire (whoops).
That’s about it. Take care of yourselves. Wear a mask, wash your hands, and make good choices.
xoxo A