An elder millennial looks at 40

Lordy, Lordy, look who's a month away from 40

First, I want to make sure you know that the subject line is a reference to Jimmy Buffet, NOT the Ottessa Moshfegh article from two years ago. I can say with hindsight that I should have gone to a Jimmy Buffet concert when I had the chance. I can admit that now, a month away from my 40th birthday.¹ I have the wisdom to know it would have been a good time and don’t care what anyone thinks of that. I thought I was too cool, but no one is too cool to waste away to Margaritaville, not even me.

Forty is hitting hard. It just feels so… forty. I think it’s the way the word rolls off the tongue: fore-deee. I know 30 was a tough birthday for some people but not me². I was looking forward to leaving my 20s behind and while my 30s haven’t been easy, this past decade has been much better than the one before it. The pandemic took a couple years off my mid-30s. I want more time!

Just so we’re clear, forty is not old. Forty is NOT old. It’s not old! I mean, what IS old anyway, age is all relative. However, as I type this, the first episode of the latest Love Island USA season is playing in the background and a 20something dude just said, “That’s crazy, I ain’t 40!” Translation: I’m young, not old. I ain’t 40 might not be how I would put it, but I said some form of that many times in my youth. Fore-dee indeed.

And yeah, I’m not that young anymore. I’ve aged out of the internet. My joints snap-crackle-and-pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies. I rarely stay out past 9 pm. I’m not alone in feeling weird about getting older— how on trend of me, classic millennial. But to be clear, I don’t want to be young, or at least not the version of young that’s happening right now. I’m glad I was 27 in 2012, it was a fun time³. It’s more this strange sensation of witnessing time roll down a hill faster than I can keep up with it. I guess this is why I’m… over the hill. Whomp whomp.

In all seriousness, forty is a liminal space. It’s the teenage years of old age and like puberty, it hits everyone differently. Aging does not paint an even brush. The markers of adulthood came a little more slowly to my generation than for boomers or Gen-X but many are there now. Almost all my friends are homeowners. Most are partnered in some way. A few have kids. I felt more distress at 35 for not having reached those benchmarks than I do now. I can see more clearly that those life achievements are not meant for me now, or maybe ever. That’s okay. I’ve found peace with that. I’m accepting things just as they are. I accept 40 as well, even if I’m not into how it sounds.

I have to be honest, this year has been really hard so far. Every month has delivered some form of bad news. I don’t mean to be vague, there are things even I don’t know right now, which is part of what’s maddening.

This is where I would typically tap dance out a pithy one-liner or put on a sunshine-y puppet show to make everyone else at ease, and I can’t do that. Sometimes things are hard. That’s just what it is. Again, acceptance, it’s part of my aging process.

I’m also trying to learn how to allow myself to receive the help that I’m willing to give others. Isn’t that a mouthful, trying to learn how to allow myself to receive help. It feels like a mouthful. It also feels humbling, and I haven’t even asked yet. I hope I don’t need help but I know I will, and I hate even knowing I’ll need it someday. I haven’t made peace with that yet. Peace forthcoming.

One last confession while I’m still 39: A Pirate Looks at 40 isn’t my favorite Jimmy Buffet song. It’s Cheeseburger In Paradise. You know, Heinz 57 and French fry potata. Come on, you’re not too cool either.

I hadn’t mentioned #the100dayproject drawing challenge in the last few newsletters. That didn’t mean I had given up. In fact, I finished it this week, I’m proud to say.

I did this to prove to myself that I can stick with a project that I don’t have to do. I can the things I have to do (bills, job, blah blah). I can do things I want to do that are instantaneous, like a watch a movie. It’s things I want to do which require more stamina that tend to be a little trickier. I thought of this a training for future longterm projects. I can do hard things that I don’t have to do. It’s a good muscle to build.

And yeah, the upcoming big birthday was definitely an influencing factor. Of course I’m in reflection mode right now. How could I not be?

Drawing that shirt was a lot of fun.

I didn’t realize how much I missed the way old cameras turned our eyes red.

Some of them turned out a little cartoon-y but I still like them.

I loved that seal sweatshirt and wore it all the time.

I liked playing around with colors too.

I’ve only been sharing the ones I really like but many were just okay and some were downright god awful. The worst drawing of them all? I have to hand it to this one:

WOOF, I don’t know what happened but I apologized out loud to 19 year-old Andrea.

You can see all the drawings on my Substack profile.

Thank you for reading. I paused all paid subscriptions for now as I figure out what this newsletter is going to look like. If you wish, you can buy me a cup of coffee. A reminder that this newsletter doesn’t reflect the views of my employer. Please share my work with a friend, and anyone new can subscribe here:

1. Okay, I wrote this last night and sent it in the morning, so technically yesterday was a month from my 40th birthday, but close enough. Give an old woman some grace.

2. Now turning 25, that was tough!

3. A year that gave us “I Love It (feat. Charli XCX),” the most 20something song ever.