YKWIM #110: How to make friends as an adult

Two years worth of lessons of starting social circles from scratch

Feb 15, 2025

Hello, hello, hello! How are you? How’s it going?? I kicked off the first month of the year with two root canals in the span of a week and a half, so about the same over here.

But enough about current events! Happy Valentine’s Dayyyyyyy!!!!

Spotted this little note in the window of the kitchen supply store.

I’m feeling deep gratitude for my friends this Valentine’s Day. I always love my friends, I’m always grateful for them, but I’ve been sitting lately with how much friends have held me and supported me and cried with me and cheered me on during some tough times these past few years. It was around mid-February when I met my first few friends here in Vermont, so I’m feeling extra sentimental in that regard too. I also produced a show yesterday with some nice friendship stories.

I moved away from everyone I knew because I wanted to see what I was capable of on my own. Turns out, a lot! It also meant I left behind more than a decade of community and connections. That’s not a small thing.

I’m a pretty extroverted person, and I still had a lot to learn about making new friends. Here’s what I’ve gleaned. Take what works, leave the rest.

How people define friendship is so deeply personal. Every single person has their own idea of what makes someone a friend, a bestie, an acquaintance, a casual pal. That nebulousness one of the most fascinating thing about friendship. It’s lawless! Friendship is anarchy, refusing to be defined. I tried telling someone once about how I approach friendship and the conversation was unable to continue, I confused the other person so much. All this is ripe for confusion and hurt feelings. American culture doesn’t value friendships and the majority of people struggle with uncomfortable feelings. Most people are coming from a place of good intentions. I try to remember that.
It’s a whole lot harder to make friends if you never leave your house. No one is going to knock on your door asking to be your friend— and honestly, you wouldn’t answer if they did. It’s good to have things you do on a regular basis (drawing night and aqua cardio for me) because it helps create familiarity and you can feel out someone’s vibe before hanging out further. Being a regular feels good. Smiling at people feels good. Being curious feels good. I try to remind myself that most people want to make new friends and most people want someone to be the first one to say something. There’s always going to be some people who say they have enough friends (a wild concept), but guess what? Those aren’t your people.
The hardest thing to accept about adult friendship is time. You can’t fast forward to five years in. It takes as long as it takes for a friendship to unfold and deepen. If you’ve figured out how to peacefully accept the issue of time, let me know. On the bright side, no amount of wealth can buy more time. A trust fund kid can’t create a decade of deep connection in a week. They’re just as held by the rules of time and space as the rest of us.